coffee loosens the lips

another saturday, another 6:30am wake up call from a certain 2 year old who was extremely thirsty at bedtime and needed to use the facilities. pottytraining is awesome, except before 7am.

it wouldn't hurt so badly if i would have headed to bed before midnight. it wouldn't have hurt so badly if rob hadn't decided that it was time for a big emotional discussion about our relationship, and we stayed up for another 90 minutes hashing that all up. i have no clue what time i fell asleep but i know i didn't sleep nearly enough.

i have dibs on a nap some time today, even if i have to sit out in the van to hide from the kids.

part of the whole relationship discussion has to do with me and my own little depression.

or it might just be craziness. i'll settle with calling it depression, that sounds a little less scary than crazy. they can treat depression with medication...do they have meds for "crazy?" or do they go straight to electro-shock therapy and padded rooms?

i guess i'll be researching our insurance coverage to find out what they allow...and then trying to figure out how to even get an appointment to get things started. sigh. i've been hoping it will just go away by itself, and it does for a few weeks but then it's followed by a few bad weeks and it's getting harder to come back. there's a song by pam tillis, called "land of the living" and the refrain starts out "hurry back to the land of the living." that's truly how i refer to it in my mind, those days when the fog lifts and i can feel good about myself, i feel like i'm back in the land of the living. during my dark days, i feel content to watch the world go by from my window.

i'm also overeating like crazy, whether that's self-destructive behavior i'm not sure. or was it self-destructive behavior when i was on weight watchers and lost 80 pounds in 4 months? looking back at it, i thought it was awesome but now maybe i enjoyed restricting my eating a little too much? the last few days (now my cloud has lifted once again), i've been strict about my eating again and i feel self-confident, sexy, powerful. i type it out though, and i feel crazy. crazy or not, i'm 10 pounds above where i was when we moved here, arg.

how did i get like this??? media? my parents? high school boyfriend?

i told rob last night that talking about all this with a professional is going to be a lot more difficult than just moving on. i'm not sure i have the energy to go through all this. i don't remember a specific incident that would cause this behavior, so maybe it's just me. maybe it's my maternal grandma smiling down on me from somewhere, having possibly passed her depression on to the next generation.

on a good note, i finally remembered my blogger password so i can share all this uplifting news with the world. (ok, i know no one really reads this, but it's out there so it's possible!! :b)